Jokes

alan · #11 (**permalink**) 10-18-2009, 03:39 PM

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said:
# FROG: Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman , aghast, screamed,
# OTHER WOMAN: Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!

The second woman replied,
# SECOND WOMAN: Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!

alan · #12 (**permalink**) 10-18-2009, 03:40 PM

Case in the firm

The owner of a large brokerage firm made a surprise visit at the sales department's floor. After a quick tour he reckoned that someone was standing near the secretary, doing nothing. He turned angry and red, approached the guy and asked him:
# OWNER: What's your salary, young man?
# GUY: Around $800 a week, replied the guy.

The owner pulled out $800 from his pocket, gave it to the guy and shouted:
# OWNER: Here's your salary. Take it, leave now, and never come back!

After regaining calmness, the owner turned to the floor manager and asked him:
# OWNER: How comes you hire such a lousy person for the sales department?

The floor manager answered:
# FM: Well, he doesn't work here. He is just the pizza delivery boy…

alan · #13 (**permalink**) 10-18-2009, 03:42 PM

A man calls his fx dealer all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says,
# MAN: Close all my positions, everything fast, right away.

The fx dealer tries to talk to the man but the man says,
# MAN: Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years.
# DEALER: Yes, go on, the FX dealer says.
# MAN: Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the GBP crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the FX market and always leave all our money under the mattress.
# DEALER: Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because you are losing.
# MAN: No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days.

alan · #14 (**permalink**) 10-18-2009, 03:44 PM

Soros and a Bernanke went to the races. Soros suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. Bernanke was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. Soros whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince Bernanke.
# Soros: You are too theoretical, he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: I told you, I knew the secret!
# Bernanke: What is your secret?
# Soros: It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine.
# Bernanke: But, three and five is eight,
# Soros: I told you, you are too theoretical! Soros replied, Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!

alan · #15 (**permalink**) 10-18-2009, 03:55 PM

mystikdragon7 · #16 (**permalink**) 10-19-2009, 05:48 PM

Damn the only jokes I know are crude ones. But this video is great!!!

Viddler.com - Shopping Cart Stunt Fail - Uploaded by failblog

Sorry about the stupid ad at the end

^eagle^ · #17 (**permalink**) 10-24-2009, 09:11 PM

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget . . .
This particular Sunday sermon . . .
"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a
rapturous look on his upturned face.
"Without you, we are but dust. . . "
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter
who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her
shrill little four year old girl voice,
"Mom, what is butt dust?"

^eagle^ · #18 (**permalink**) 11-16-2009, 06:28 PM

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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^eagle^ · #19 (**permalink**) 11-16-2009, 06:39 PM

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."